Parenthood-The Land of Unknowns

We knew even before we got pregnant that we'd have no idea how to be parents. Sure, we knew the general ideas, but not the nitty, gritty, dirty, confusing, scary stuff. So many times during my pregnancy I googled different words trying to describe what I was feeling inside of me for hopes of finding out that those feelings were "normal".  Praise the Lord, they all were. Little did we know, even a normal, perfect, "picture of health" pregnancy doesn't always translate to a normal, perfectly healthy baby.

I've been trying to write this post for a while. I have about 4 different drafts of posts about different aspects of the past 3 months, but they all revolve around the same theme; I have no idea what I'm doing. Those earlier drafts are hopeless, you can feel the sadness in the words written there. This post, though, is going to be quite different than the drafts I'd written. Why? Because, now I know it's okay. No, not just "know".  Now I believe it's okay.

I recently watched a show (during Henry's nap of course... as if there aren't more important things to do during that hour) where some doctors had to tell a family that their newborn babies were sick. The camera zoomed in on the parents' faces as their worst nightmare - no, something they couldn't have even dreamed - was coming true. Right then and there (I was standing in the kitchen doing dishes... see? I do do stuff during Henry's nap. Ah, the glories of multitasking) it hit me. I actually understood what those parents were feeling. Not just like, "Oh, ya, I understand... poor parents" but an actual, agonizing pain in my heart as I remembered the morning a nurse came in and delivered similar news to me. And that morning wasn't a tv show. It wasn't two actors playing characters and reading lines. There was a real nurse who was actually telling me that a helicopter was coming to pick up my son and take him to a different hospital because they couldn't treat him where we were. The unknowns swirled in my head as we watched the helivac team take our son away before I was even discharged. What could be wrong with our sweet baby boy? Was this a result of something I did or didn't do during pregnancy? Was this our fault because we got our dates wrong and induced the labor of a baby who wasn't yet full-term? I remember being held in the strong arms of my husband waiting for the doctor to discharge me. Just like a scene from that dumb show, I can see us standing silently in front of that sunny window, my arms not even able to lift around my husbands waist; just hanging there as the weight of the world - our world - tied them down.

Our sweet guy while we were in the hospital.

The next few days turned into weeks that came in waves of good news and bad news. We were transferred to yet another hospital where we ultimately received news of our son's diagnosis; a syndrome that we hadn't even heard of before. So many people told us that our baby was lucky to have us as parents. That our faith and trust in our Creator made us the perfect candidates to raise Henry. I can't say that I always agreed with them. Surely there was a couple out there somewhere who was just a bit older, more mature, maybe even slightly more prepared to take on such an unexpected challenge. There were so many times that I told people that what was happening was okay. That I trusted God and His plan for our son's life. As much as I knew that God really was trustworthy, and that His plan really was best, I often struggled to believe it. Struggled to lay every hurt, worry and tear on that fact. Honestly, I'd never struggled between emotions as much as I did in the first month - make that the first two months - of Henry's life. I would go from truly being at peace with the situation to begin a complete mess with worry and doubt in a matter of seconds.

I write this now, feeling like a soldier after a long, gruesome battle. Weary and dirty, standing among the carnage of sorrow and doubt, but knowing that now there is peace. The worry is gone. The fight is over.

So, what changed? What has brought me from a place of "knowing" to "believing"? Well, quite honestly, a good cry with a dear friend, and a long, hard conversation with my husband. The cry helped me to realize that I was still sad. The conversation carried me past that sadness. For too long, I had focused on what happened, forgetting to let the happiness of "now" shine through. Now I no longer have to just say, "It's going to be okay", because I know that it's already been okay. We've been through a lot, and we survived with God's help. Now, my Thomas-like heart can believe it. Jesus told His doubting disciple, "Blessed are those who have not seen and still believe." So, having seen my fault, and knowing there will be so many more situations where I will battle between knowing and believing, I cry, "I do believe; help my unbelief!"

So, I guess I'm back where I started; not knowing anything. Of course, I know more than I did when I was pregnant. I certainly know more than I did way back before I was pregnant! Like, for instance, what 3 am feels like, and how not to freak out when a baby doesn't poop for 3 days (who knew breast milk was so easily digestible!). But, there are still so many unknowns that we will come to as a family. So, we start trusting God now for future unknowns. That way, when we get there, we can say, "Oh, there you are, I've been waiting for you." And we can let our Shepherd take over from there.

Because He Lives- Henry Fisher.

So many times a day, I look at my son laying in his baby hospital bed in the NICU and wonder to myself, how did we get here? Wasn't I just pregnant a few days ago with a baby safe and sound inside of me? Many of you who knew we were planning a home birth might be thinking the same thing. NICU? Hospital? How did this all happen?

Being 42 weeks pregnant, it was necessary to be induced because of certain state regulations. To be honest, I was beyond ready to meet this baby, so the thought of induction didn't worry me a bit! We checked into the hospital Tuesday morning, and sweet Henry was born Wednesday night. It was a long, hard labor, but holding that baby on my chest and hearing his first tiny, squeaky cry made it all worth it.

The next 24 hours seemed to be a giant spiral of bad news and worry. Henry had low blood sugar. He wasn't eating well. His muscle tone was poor. The nurses came in every two hours with updates like this until the last one came early on Thursday: a helicopter is coming to take him to the NICU at a different hospital. As James and I waited to be discharged, we hit our breaking point. We started questioning everything we'd done up to this point. What did we do wrong? What should we have changed?

Now, it's 1 am Saturday morning and James and I are hunkered down into our reclining chairs in Henry's hospital room. This has been the most encouraging day of progress so far. Henry has been eating and regulating his own blood sugar which allowed him to be taken off of the IV line that was put in through his umbilical cord. We've been visited by friends and family and so many have been praying for us and giving us encouragement. But there still lingers that feeling of sadness as I wonder how this all  happened and what part I played in it all.

It's now that I'm reminded of a blog post I was going to write after Henry was born. I planned it all out almost as soon as I found out I was pregnant. It was going to be full of happiness and perfection as I wrote about how sweet it was to have a great, easy labor at home and be able to hold my perfectly healthy son as I typed in my living room the very next day. It was going to be a post based on the  old song, Because He Lives. As I've been thinking about that song while tearing up in this recliner, I've realized that song is much more appropriate for this post.

"How sweet to hold a newborn baby and feel the pride and joy he gives. But sweeter still the calm assurance this child can face uncertain days because He lives."

This verse would not have felt so real and encouraging in the "perfect" post I had imagined writing. Only in this scenario, this real-life moment, could I so deeply understand the truth in those words. These past few days have, indeed been uncertain. The next few are sure to be as well. But, it the midst of this doubt, worry and chaos, Jesus lives. And because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Fear is gone, because I know He holds the future. And that is exactly what makes these hard, scary, heavy-hearted moments worth living. He lives.

A dear friend encouraged us by pointing out that these early moments are part of Henry's testimony. I pray that God would use this testimony in amazing ways, and that many would come to understand the worth of living life because of a Savior that has risen from the dead, and who offers hope in life by His merciful death.

Waiting - And Waiting

Well, our due date has come and gone, and our little baby is still snuggled up inside. I'm not exactly surprised by this. Most of the first-timers I know have been 1-2 weeks late with their babies, so that's basically what I've been expecting. Until a few days ago, I was prepared to meet our son at least a full week (or more) after his due date.

Monday night, however, I started having contractions. They were light, and irregular, but definitely there! I timed a few before I told James, not wanting to give him a false alarm. 3-5 minutes apart, lasting 30 seconds to 1 minute! If there was ever a night we couldn't sleep, that was it! James and I finally decided to just get out of bed at 5:45 and go for a walk, hoping that would speed things up. I had timed almost 200 contractions throughout the day when our midwife decided to come and check things out for herself. Apparently, there's this thing called prodromal labor. Not Braxton Hick's, but not really labor either, just... labor that's not labor. The upside is that those contractions help toward real labor (maybe even making the real thing faster...?), but the downside is that after almost a full 24 hours of contractions, we still have no baby! Gonna be honest here, I definitely cried after our midwife left. I've never been more disappointed in my life!

The next day, James and I basically did everything we could to naturally induce labor. We had been so close just the day before, he just needed a little push, right? It was near the end of the day that we realized something: we've been doing everything we could think of, everything we've heard would work, and this kid still wouldn't budge. Could it mean that his time just wasn't here yet? Did we really have to start believing what we've been saying these past nine months and trust God and His timing? The answer, of course, was quite obvious.

As anxious as we are to meet our little baby, that little prodromal diversion made me realize how sweet that moment really will be. For now, we'll keep waiting. We'll continue to cherish the kicks, the rubbing of this giant belly, and knowing that everything will come exactly when it needs to, according to God's perfect plan for our dear little son's life! See you soon, you little cutie.

A Happy Place - Nursery

Well, everyone, we moved. It's a beautiful little place with two little bedrooms and a whole lot of love. In the first few days of our being here, I unpacked almost every box... almost. You know when you have things that you know you'll need but don't necessarily know where to put any of it?  I have about three boxes of that stuff. The kitchen was the easy part; you need to cook? You need plates to eat off of? Better put it all away where it goes. Secretly, I'm tempted to just throw these last boxes away without even looking in them. If I haven't needed them yet, I don't need them at all... right? Maybe just a few more days of seeing them lurking in the corner will bring me to action.

One room in the house that has not been difficult to fix up is the nursery. I absolutely love spending time there. Sometimes during the day, I'll just go and sit in the cozy glider that James' parents gave to us, and bask in all the hopes and dreams that the room holds. Someday I'll be sitting in this chair, watching my darling little son play on the floor. Or I'll be rocking in this chair and reading a book for the third time in a row; his heavy, sweaty head sliding slowly into the crook of my arm as he falls asleep. Or I'll be sneaking in to check on him during his nap time only to find that he's not sleeping at all, but has climbed out of his crib and begun tearing down all his clothes from the cubby. This room will hold so many sweet moments as this little boy begins his life here in the world, and I almost can't wait to get started!

There's still a few weeks to go, however, so I'm left here to dream. In the meantime, I suppose I'll work on these silly boxes. After all, we can't have this kid know his mom's been sitting in his room this whole time not getting anything done around the house! 

3 Things They Never Tell You About Pregnancy - Not Even Your Mom.

It's hard to believe that tomorrow I'll be 27 weeks along with our son. That's seven months, people! That means only two(ish) left! What??

If you're wondering why this is my first blog post since the beginning of these seven months, you're not alone. Sometimes I think to myself, "why haven't I blogged about this?" The short answer is that I'm scared. It's a slippery slope from one cute, short blog about pregnancy to the 25 way-too-long posts every other day in which I describe every feeling and thought I have. I've always stopped myself from posting a blog about pregnancy because I'd just think to myself, "If you do one, you'll do a million". Kind of an "if you give a mouse a cookie" scenario.... but pregnant. No one wants that.

So why now? Well, I figure I'm more than halfway...  how many more posts could I possibly write in such a short time (famous last words...)?

When I first got pregnant, I wasn't afraid of it being too hard . I have 3 nieces and a nephew, so I know basically everything about pregnancy...(that' a sarcastic joke about my naïve self in hindsight.) And really, I have been so blessed with a body that likes being pregnant. I haven't thrown up (so far). Never had any crazy pickle-and-peanut-butter-with cheese-on-top cravings. So, basically I've just been able to sit here, watch my belly grow, and enjoy the little kicks that make it look like aliens are trying to escape from inside me.

There were, however, a few things I wasn't prepared for.  Just something here and there that made me wonder to myself, "why didn't anyone tell me this was going to happen?" I guess, for mothers of babies who are no longer inside of them, these little things aren't really issues they think need to be brought up. They probably just seem like such minor details that most non-pregnant mothers just completely forgot about them! But, as they happened to me for the first time, I was surprised and amazed that I didn't see them coming. That brings us to this post.

Here are a few things that no one ever tells you (for some reason or another) about pregnancy.

1. Stretchy stretchy. Oh my goodness. Obviously, I was aware that a woman's belly grows when a little human is inside of them. What I was not expecting, however, was feeling it. Some mornings, I can literally feel myself stretching and getting bigger. Sometimes, it feels like a small cramp. Sometimes it's barely noticeable. And sometimes, getting out of bed feels like something inside is about to rip in half. I remember one day a month or two ago where I spent the whole day practically doubled over because of the "growth spurt" Baby was having inside of me. James can attest to this. I whined a little...

2. Kicky kicky. Okay, this is another "feeling" one, but can we just please invent a word to describe what it feels like to have a baby kick inside of you?! At first, I wasn't sure what to look for, and when it happened I couldn't believe it. My midwife told me it would feel like gas... sometimes it does. But for the most part, it's more of a tickly-twitchy kind of feeling. I wrote in my pregnancy journal after feeling my very first kick, that the only way I could describe it to James was by using the word, "bloop".  And really, that still seems like a pretty good way to me. From what I've heard from a friend who's a month ahead of me, the feeling gets stronger. So we'll see what I have to say about that as this boy gets closer to his birthday.

3. Growy growy. Among the people that I see and talk to on a weekly-ish basis, there are 4 or 5 pregnant women. Talk about baby season. Anyway, only one of those women actually looked pregnant at the "appropriate" time. That's because this is her 4th child. A fellow first-timer and I spent months sending pictures back and forth to each other asking if we "looked pregnant yet". I guess this kind of goes along with my first point, but bodies that haven't been pregnant before aren't used to all that stretching. It takes a little longer for our novice selves to figure out how to stretch and grow than a body that has been through it all before. An easy way to say all this is that the, "is she pregnant or just fat" stage of pregnancy lasts much longer in first-timers than veterans. No way around it, you just have to deal with it. Thankfully, that stage in my pregnancy ended about two weeks ago, so I feel pretty free at this point.

a little something from when the baby bump finally showed itself.

So, there we go. Seems a little weird, doesn't it? Those are such little things, that they barely seem worth mentioning... which is probably why I'd never heard about them until they happened to me. Or maybe most people just actually expect them, so it's not surprising to them... either way, this post is out there for the unassuming and possibly a little naïve first timers like me!

4. Bonus: This one comes from seeing many, many ultrasound pictures, but never being in that room until now. We all know that ultrasounds are used to see through you to the baby(that's the preschool way of saying it). But we don't really take time to think about what a look inside will be like. Here is the part that makes sense, but that we never quite grasp fully: THE BABY MOVES WHILE YOU'RE WATCHING HIM ON THE ULTRASOUND SCREEN!! It's fun to take home those little pictures, and show them to friends, but the best part BY FAR is sitting (or laying) there actually watching your baby move around inside of you. A baby whose heart beats, who sucks his thumb, and kicks his tiny little baby feet. It's fun to feel it all from out here, but being in that room with James was definitely a huge highlight of this pregnancy. Needless to say, we're a little bit in love, and we can't wait to meet our little son!

New Year-Ringing in the Promises

This time last year, James and I had moved out of our apartment, put all of our belongings into storage, and were staying at my parents';  almost a week away from embarking on our 6-months in S. Asia. Even as I write it, I can hardly believe it. This year seems to have gone by faster than any other thus far. Yet, so many amazing things have happened in our lives that just twelve months doesn't seems long enough to contain them all. Here's a list of just a few of those things that I look back on and just want to sing and dance about!

1. Arriving safely in S. Asia and then home again after a half-year of life-altering, eye-opening, God-glorifying moments and lessons that now flow through my veins and have recreated (thanks be to God) the person-the Christ follower that I am.

2. Receiving the call while in S. Asia for a new, exciting ministry for our lives in the U.S. This Is Church has been such an amazing ministry. We are so encouraged by what God is doing with this little body of believers and in the individual ministries that are represented every Sunday in our living room.

3. Speaking of living room, OUR HOUSE! We were blessed to so easily find an affordable home with such a ready ministry all around us.

4. James and I celebrated our first anniversary together! And what a beautiful year it has been. Praise God for His model of love that we seek to follow after every day.

5. Receiving news of the new baby that we will get to hold in June! James and I have been looking forward to being a Daddy and Mama since...forever! Every week, I read about how this sweet life is growing inside me, and I get so overwhelmed by God's goodness and love. Yippee!

6. Support. That's all I need to say. We have received faithful support for both of our adventures in ministry, along with prayers, love, and kind words from those around us about what we're doing, excitement about the baby, and just encouragement in our everyday goings on! The community that God has given us is so beyond anything that we deserve, and I am just so, SO thankful to see God work through the people He's put in our lives.


 As I think about those (along with the million others I didn't mention) highlights of 2014, I can't help but see the promises that God has both fulfilled and is going to continue to fulfill for this new year that we are stepping in to:


1. Just as God carried us, protected us, and worked through us in S. Asia, so He will continue to do in each of the who-knows-how-many opportunities He will bring us to in 2015.

2. I look forward to God continuing to work through This Is Church and the people involved. I also am anxious to see the new areas of ministry that He will lead James and I to both together and individually.

3. I'm going to be honest, housing seems to forever be a point of anxiety in my heart. The very bane of my existence (not actually). When it comes to the question, "Where will we live when our baby is born/when our lease is up" (those two seem to always pop up in my mind at the same exact time) there is never really a "peace that passes understanding".  Looking at the past year, though, I see a promise that is inescapable: God will provide. The 4 places in which we've lived this past year are proof of that. So, this is the part where I just have to take a breath, and thank my Provider-God for how He is going to provide a home in 2015. Thank You, Lord.

4. James and I have grown closer in 2014 than I thought possible. If I thought he was my best friend when I married him, he's 17 months MORE of a best friend now. It's like, if two infants thought they were best friends, then they grew up to be five-year-olds who ran, jumped and played in the mud all day, they would say to themselves, "Now we're REALLY best friends." That's how I feel about James. I'm also thankful that those five-year-olds will one day grow up to be 35-year-olds and think to themselves, "Those five-year-old babies had no idea..." I look forward to growing closer and closer to-more and more in love with my husband each year, then looking back at 2014 and saying, "That little baby Ali had no idea." :)

5. This baby is one promise that I look forward to meeting, holding and singing to in 2015!! Right now, I'm even looking forward to having a huge, giant belly full of cuteness as Baby Everett gets bigger and bigger inside of me. Even once Baby's born, I'm thankful for the promise of life, growth and service to Jesus that I will get to have a big part in as a mother to this life.

6. Finally, I thank God for the promise of YOU! The community that He will continue to cultivate in James' and my life is something I look forward to with great joy. The support of this community as our family and ministries grow is not only something that comes from those around us, but first from God, and my heart burst with thankfulness because of that!


So, there are a few highlights of 2014, and promises for the new year that I'm thankful for! Join me in thanking the One who is God of the past, present and future!!